Reflective Wanderer

This year was filled with a lot of joy. I left my family’s home, forever, and excitedly set out on a new adventure with the girl I love. Things lined up in January. A fast whirlwind of a month, filled with last minute things. Then came the long awaited February in which life was to be changed. The wedding was perfect. Not many things feel perfect, but that day did. Everything; the old high roofed building that breathed joyful solemnity, the outdoor reception at night under a well lighted tent, and her, the bride of my dreams. Followed by a two week honeymoon in the idyllic Northern California surrounded by vineyards. Back home in the second week of March, but what a home, a sweet one bedroom apartment in an older, quiet neighborhood in Goodyear. Maybe not much to look at, but good heavens, our very own. She transformed it to a paradise inside, while I made a garden out front. And thus the new chapter began. It was built from the pieces of the old, into something wonderful and new. I made a promise to keep our first year sacred to enjoying my wife. To work less hours and not to involve myself in anything that could wait till next year. We dated all the time this year; making breakfast dates, listening to audiobooks with tea dates, long walk dates, movie dates. We went on four trips in 2020, visiting a total of 11 states in the process. I watched, for a brief moment, the joyful anticipation of a new mom. We made some beautiful memories. The thing about good memories is once you have them you can never unhave them, no matter what happens later in life.

This year was not without its thorns either. I’ve learned a little more what a selfish person I am, my wife showed me that. I ruined many would-be lovely things with anger, pride and self-centeredness. My faith has been a struggle, I’m afraid “lest, having Him, I must have naught beside.” I’m also unsure of what I’m called to be, and not knowing is causing me to be restless and unsure of who I am. My wife doesn’t always act like I think she should and she has her very own sin nature. Life can be a disappointment, especially to someone who has high hopes for the “perfect” first year. Watching the craziness in America has been a great cause of grief this year as well. Getting caught up in the election, outraged in the intrusion of the government as a result of the Covid-19 mess, and grieved at losing an imperfect yet politically conservative, courageous president (who I got to see at a rally in person, a 2020 highlight). I’m deeply worried about the future of this great country and 2020 was a dark spot in a downward trend.

Life is full of an unfair distribution of blessings and curses, or at least Jordan Peterson claims. Last year, 2019, I felt like the curses outweighed the blessings. This year, 2020, I can truly say I’m weighed down because He “daily loads us with benefits” (Psalm 68:19).

I planted my first rose bush this year. Just recently the small thing exploded with white roses, making my yard and neighborhood just a little more lovely. That’s my aim for 2021, to take responsibility for what’s around me and make it just a bit more beautiful. In that way, with God’s help, we’ll see light overcome the darkness a little farther next year.